Certified Professional & Executive Life-Coach

Do you see yourself as one of those people who only can see the good in things? There’s something to be said about Debbie Downers but then there’s this whole other breed of people. The Positive Pollyanna’s who only have good things to say about everything and can pick out the minutest positive aspect of something that most others can’t. What I’m referring to though is an extremity from the other end of the spectrum.

It’s not about just seeing the good or just seeing the bad of any situation, which tends to be very black and white thinking. It’s about all the shades of grey in between and not just the grey of possibilities. It’s the grey of what else you might open your eyes to seeing that you haven’t before, that IS actually there. Especially when faced with making a decision about ending a relationship or marriage.

Everything we experience is based on our perception of things, AND we do feel emotions with each of those experiences, but we forget how much of a guidance system emotions are for us. Focusing on just the good is literally saying I only choose to see the good things this person does because they feel good rather than all the bad things they do, because those bad things don’t feel good and I don’t like to be reminded of what doesn’t feel good.

This may be a bit of a dramatic example but one that gets the point across. Such as a woman who experiences verbal abuse or has been hit by her husband, and only focuses on the flowers he buys to express his remorse even though he never says “I’m sorry” out loud to her and he continually does it again and again. Plain and simple, she’s ignoring the feelings she is having each time he hits her with his words or his fist.

I can imagine how hard it is being in a situation like this. To remain committed to a man, giving of yourself, and possibly even providing for this man all in the name of love. Or is it?  Then on top of it, there might be kids to worry about, possibly your own kids, his, or a combined family of kids. I can see how it could get messy and complicated. I also hear a lot of women say they are afraid of ending a relationship because they are really afraid of being alone which dominoes with the fear that they may never meet someone again. All fears can be considered valid but the question is with what validity?

It can get you in trouble only seeing the good that someone does, when most of the time they are doing things that are hurtful, painful, and disappointing, and you know this because you feel it but you choose to ignore it. Then what starts to happen is that you begin to doubt your feelings and start to think that you’re a horrible person for thinking such terrible things about the man in your life.  Maybe you have tried to express your feelings to him and he told you, “no that’s not how you feel, I’ll tell you how you really feel”, and boy does he. That’s where the questioning takes a dangerous turn and then you’re left in a space of confusion. In that space you end up directionless, just spinning round and round.

If you can imagine yourself at one end of a room and your instinct is to get to the other side. It would seem that the easiest route would be to just walk straight ahead, but then someone ties a blindfold on you so you can’t see. So you think okay, I’ll just feel my way with my arms out in front of me and continue walking straight ahead. So you start to walk and now someone just bumped into you and threw you off direction. You start to get confused with where you are and now you get bumped again, and before you know it, you’re spinning around, scared, and confused, and you have no idea where the other side of the room is. You then hear a voice of a person who tells you which direction to go in, and you want to trust the person but they are also the one who bumped you off track.

What would happen if you kept your determination that no matter how many times you got bumped, you would just keep walking, KNOWING that eventually you would get to the other side. Maybe you could trust someone’s direction, maybe you can’t, but you can choose whether or not you take the suggestion into consideration, also knowing that it was your choice to do so. If it doesn’t get you there right away, was it a mistake? It doesn’t have to be.

So let’s say you’re about halfway across the room and you realize, “Wait! Why not just take the blindfold off?” Your hands were never tied so you could very easily just reach up and pull off the blindfold allowing yourself to see. So what if it was that easy?

I’m not necessarily suggesting that you have been blind to what’s in front of you. Most people aren’t and most people aren’t literally blindfolded in their relationships. There is a difference between being blind about it, and either ignoring or making excuses for it. What I am suggesting is to pay attention to the feelings you are having when your partner says something to you or does something that doesn’t feel good.

Another question I have is, have you told them it hurts? Unfortunately because we are mostly functioning on autopilot 95-99% of the time, most people don’t realize when they have said something hurtful to another. Sometimes people will do it, in their eyes, to tease or get your goat or they just do it because it’s a habitual way of being. Yet if it doesn’t feel good, even if the intention is to be funny, why not just tell them, “what was just said hurts.”

I remember one woman I was talking to about this said she didn’t want to come off as though she was scolding her boyfriend. Let’s analyze this just for a moment.  The people who would scold would be a mother and maybe a teacher.  You aren’t his teacher or his mother. You are his girlfriend or his wife and most healthy men want to make a woman feel good, so he may want to know when he says or does something that hurts your feelings.

One of the things that most men like about women is our ability to be in touch with our emotions. They want to feel safe with us and one way they do, is if we can feel safe with our own emotions. If he doesn’t and doesn’t care, then you have a different problem on your hands and I would imagine this isn’t the only issue in your relationship.

Yes it can be a gift to be the kind of person who only sees the good in things, compared to a Debbie Downer; it’s a more preferred way to be. Yet maybe, just maybe, you are ignoring what else is there, something very important. That something important is you. YOU matter. Your feelings matter. Your emotions matter. What you want matters.

If you don’t feel like you matter or how you feel matters, then how can you expect someone else to? By paying attention to all the grey in a relationship what might you see that could be a gift? What you now see could be a gift that could bring you and your partner closer together. Or maybe the gift is the relationship that gave you a profound life long learning. That’s when the curse loses its power.

It’s March already people, and I can’t believe that it’s already March! I just read an inspirational email from Richard Simmons whose classes I was taking for a while. If you get a chance, you must, he’s hilarious and I think it’s the most fun I’ve ever had working out and breaking a mean sweat. In fact this is reminder to myself to mark in my calendar when I can take his class next.

In his fun and silly email he touched upon a topic that I all too often hear being mentioned, which is this idea of “luck.”  He also touched upon the wearing of the color green. I don’t know about you but I personally don’t like it when people take it upon themselves to pinch me, me being someone they either don’t know or barely know at all, especially kids. Although I can imagine how fun it is to pinch an adult especially when they don’t know me, or any adult for that matter and you’re a kid.

Okay I’m going to say it, I personally don’t believe in luck. The way most people use the concept or idea of luck, only leaves room for one to assume that either you are lucky or you’re not, or that you’re either born lucky or you’re not. That doesn’t leave much possibility for one to become lucky if they weren’t lucky to begin with.

So I would much rather believe in the power of the unconscious mind. I know, it doesn’t sound as much fun as believing in the idea of luck or one who is just plain lucky, but it’s actually even better. I’ll explain but first I wanted to ask you, “did you know that the original color of St. Patrick was actually blue?” There is so much one can learn on Wikipedia, it’s amazing.

Including information about luck. Depending on one’s culture, spiritual beliefs or generational family beliefs, how you relate to luck may differ.  On Wikipedia it says that luck or fortuity is good or bad fortune in life caused by accident or chance, and attributed by some to reasons of faith or superstition, which happens beyond a person’s control. I’m personally not a superstitious person and in regards to control, I know the only thing we can control is…yes you guessed it…our thoughts.

So assuming that the only thing we can control is our thoughts, then why not believe in luck? It has to do with the power of our unconscious mind. I take my clients through a session or two where we go over the Prime Directives of the Unconscious Mind, or in essence, what it does, how it works, and what is important to it. I do this towards the beginning of our time together as I like to make it conversational and this time together is usually pretty revealing.

What happens is little light bulbs start to go off for the client such as “oh that’s why I think about these things”, or “now I understand why I have a tendency to focus on that”, or “that makes sense now why I do certain things.”  I also learn a lot about them to know what beliefs, past memories, and interpretations they are having that are getting in their way of having what they want and being truly happy. It actually turns out to be a really fun session.

One thing about your unconscious is that it generates, stores, distributes, and transmits “energy” and it usually does so in the form of a thought. To me this is the scientific basis behind the law of attraction as well as the idea around manifestation. Most of us are visual so we also tend to create pictures in our mind using our imagination whenever we think about something.

It’s also important to know that there is a part of our brain that can’t tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined, it’s a part of the Limbic system. When using our imagination in this way, we then either attract or manifest that which happens in our life. So when you assume the worst and that you’re unlucky, how is it that you might be using your thoughts, what you focus on and your brain to support what you really want to get out of life? The habit that most people have is focusing on what you don’t want, and by focusing on what you don’t want, guess what you are most likely going to get? In using pictures in your mind that support this thinking, what are you then creating or manifesting? Are you getting this?

Also on the Wikipedia page for luck, there is a section called “Luck as a self fulfilling prophecy.” This is where Jean-Paul Sartre and Sigmund Freud are mentioned who in essence feel that a belief in luck has more to do with what people think they can control (or not control) in their life as well as the subsequent escape from personal responsibility.  What we think about can impact what we focus on.  The same is true for that which we habitually focus on, can impact what we are thinking about the most. You get what you focus on so focus on what you want! You don’t need any such luck for that. This is all…just a thought.

What if the mistakes we make in life that we perceive as mistakes weren’t really mistakes we made at all? What if they were simply steps we needed to take to make sure we got back on the right track or on the path we were meant to be on in the first place?  If you were to think of things this way, I bet that would have a powerful change in how you relate to things that have happened in the past.

So many people share with me the things they want for themselves, what they would like to achieve, and visions they have of themselves in their future. What commonly stops them is not just fear or the discomfort of change; the haunting memories of choices they made in the past that they now regret stop them. They then end up replaying in their mind over and over those events that they wish never happened. When you do this, it unfortunately keeps you stuck.

What if making the mistake was the best thing you could have ever done and what was meant for you to do?  How would it change your feeling about the choices you make by affirming that regardless of outcome, it supported you in you having what you are wanting?  There may be some confusion about this for some of you, especially if you don’t have what you want yet. So if this is shaking things up for you, maybe that’s a good thing.

When you think about things you did in the past that you regret or wish never happened, how does that make you feel? Usually I hear things like exhausted, tired, or sometimes it can be a physical manifestation like a headache or getting sick all the time. Just a few possibilities.

This could make sense too since regretting or wishing that something never happened is a form of beating yourself up. A mental and emotional self-beating where underneath the thought process might be “I should have known better”, or “I’m such an idiot.”  Where does this get you? Just in a spiral of self-beating, self-loathing, shame, guilt, and so on.

I don’t know about you but that doesn’t sound fun to me. Been there done that. Didn’t enjoy it. I bet you don’t either. Okay so now what? What will set you free? Free from your past that is. Learning is one way but how to get there is another question. One answer is having compassion, compassion for yourself and for others. This is very different than pity, or feeling sorry for, or even excusing one’s behavior, compassion in the sense of providing an understanding.

When you understand either why you did something or why someone else might have, you start to loosen your grip on the negative feeling of regret or wishing it didn’t happen. You also start to remind yourself that you might have chosen to be in a particular situation, or with a certain person, or took an action that may have been intentional.

Okay so it didn’t turn out the way you would have wanted. We can’t control things or other people no matter how hard you try. The only thing you can control is your thoughts. You can have an impact on others but you can’t control them. So when you let that grip go, the grip of trying to control other people, once again this is another way you can start to feel less strain.

So now that you have loosened your grip, maybe even let go completely, accepted that you can’t control others, what’s left? You, your participation and your involvement in the equation. There must have been a good reason you were even in the equation, regardless of what the outcome or result was.

This is where you have a choice, a choice to spiral down the staircase of regret or wishing it wasn’t, or stand powerfully with two feet on the ground with open arms of understanding and acceptance. While you’re standing there like that, why not also explore the possibility of your choice, the choice you made prior to that negative event. If you look back maybe even just 15 minutes, or an hour before it happened, there had to have been some intention there. Most likely it was a good intention.

Or maybe it happened in the moment and was carried out as a reaction or response to someone or something. If it was something you said, maybe it was to protect yourself. Did it help? If not, then what did you learn from it? Maybe it was something you did. If your intention was to benefit someone else, what were you trying to gain by doing it? We all want to be liked and loved; it’s in our most basic human nature. Maybe you learned I don’t have to do that again, or maybe you learned something else.

If it was a situation you were in and wish you hadn’t been, and your regret is because someone else hurt you, that can be a difficult one. Finding your way to compassion for them is to explore the possibility of why they may have done it. Could it have been because of social pressure, financial pressure or the feeling of being trapped? Maybe they didn’t have the emotional tools, resources or courage to have done it differently. Or maybe they felt they had no other choice at all. I want to mention here also that I’m not saying their action was justified or excused.

We all have a choice in every given moment. Most people either forget this or don’t exercise their ability to choose. They might be so focused on the problem that any other solution at the time just didn’t exist. Finding solutions can get you back on the right path. Finding a way to understand and having compassion can get you back on the right path. I would imagine it would be difficult to find even one person on the planet over the age of 5 who hasn’t made a mistake. So since mistakes are part of our path as human beings anyway, why not turn them into the steps we take to getting where we want to go in life?

Like stones on a pathway in front of you, imagine your path is illuminated with a bright light. You intentionally step forward onto each stone with an equal amount of weight. Your right foot, then left, your right, left, right, left, etc. What if each stone was labeled on the bottom with whether or not it was a step or a mistake but you couldn’t see what the label was and you walked forward anyway because you knew by doing so, you would be walking towards what you want. Now imagine that the labels were taken off and each stone was just a stone, each being a step in the right direction. What if I told you that you’re already on that pathway?  Keep walking, I promise you’ll be just fine.

Let me get straight to the point and ask you a very powerful question: Do you love yourself? Yes I do mean truly love yourself. I’m not necessarily talking about accepting yourself. When I hear most people talk about acceptance, they also referred to accepting flaws and weaknesses. What most don’t realize is that in doing so, you’re also in a sense saying, there is something wrong with me. Flaw means an imperfection or defect and weakness also means a defect as well as fault or failing. How do those things make you feel? I would imagine not very good.

Feedback I get from my life coaching and relationship coaching clients about what they say to themselves whether quietly in their mind or out loud is what I call “self talk.” Those things that you say to yourself about yourself. Even in jest or done with humor, you are still talking to yourself in a powerful way that can be damaging and harmful. It can be endearing and quite funny sometimes listening to someone who has a self deprecation type of humor. My question is what are they REALLY saying about themselves and where is it coming from?

You may be one of those people who grew up in a home where your parents gave you an immeasurable amount of love, but did they teach you how to love yourself? Maybe the love was expressed as validation and approval and if so, I’m wondering if you’re not happy because you are completely reliant on that approval and validation. Were your caretakers an example of what it means to love yourself? Most importantly, how would you define love?

I’ve been asking this question from a lot of my clients lately and I’ve been getting some interesting answers. Some say they were given love by the things their parents or caretakers did for them or gave them. I’ve even had a few who were stumped by my question and couldn’t give me an answer or said they didn’t have words to explain it. What I’m referring to is the people who expressed love to you, who were they being in that moment when you felt love?

If you loved yourself, how would that impact your relationships? If you loved yourself, how would that impact your work and how you interact with others in the realm of your work? If you loved yourself, how would that impact you when you are spending time with just you? Louise Hay said it so profoundly in her LOVING TREATMENT Affirmation and Meditation in her published book “You Can Heal Your Life.”

Do you say things to yourself like “I’m not happy alone”, “I’m fat”, “I do really stupid things”, or “I’m a failure”? I know I’m asking a lot of questions and I’m hoping that by doing so, you are starting to ponder this information for yourself. If you loved yourself, you probably wouldn’t care so much about what other people think. I’m not saying that you won’t get hurt if someone says hurtful things, but you will be able to decipher how much of it you choose to take on and the impact of what they say to you so that it won’t have a long lasting and damaging affect. If you love yourself you would also probably set some very clear and healthy boundaries with others in terms of what’s okay with you and what isn’t. It would also allow you to engage in some of the more difficult types of conversations, using them as an opportunity to grow and learn rather than hindering your ability to be self expressed.

If you aren’t quite sure what love means to you, one place to start might be doing some research and exploring. I love the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. He talks about how each of us has a primary and sometimes secondary love language as to how we feel loved and usually express love. Such as quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service. You can buy this book and see my other recommended reading on my website.

For those of you out there who have kids or are thinking about having kids, it’s especially important that you learn how to love yourself. You can’t teach them unless you know how to do it yourself. It’s probably the most important gift you can give them that will support them in being successful and truly happy in life.

Another great place to start would be to change your conversations to include what you are doing right instead of what you are doing wrong. What you do well instead of what you’re terrible at. You could also ask “What do I love about myself?” The answer that may have come up is nothing. I bet that if I was sitting down with you and you really thought about it, you could probably find at least one thing. Once you can find something you like or love about you, you are now on the road to loving yourself completely.

“You might say, “How do I know if I’m in a receiving mode or not?” And we say, you always feel good when you’re in a receiving mode. When someone offers you a compliment, do you receive it, or do you sort of just shrug it off? There’s something about believing that you must justify your existence through your effort or through your perseverance, through your struggle. And many of you just have not practiced the receiving mode. “   — Abraham

I quite often quote Abraham on my Facebook page and I was so struck by this one that I wanted to write about it.  How much of the time are you conscious or intentional in the way you receive? Another powerful inquiry I recently thought about was how do I allow others to contribute to me, and in receiving what I’m offered, who will I then be for the people I love or care about the most? As Abraham states above, it’s something that needs to be practiced let alone considered.

In the past I used to have trouble with asking for help. After practicing that for a while, I started to realize how much of “help” was showing up without me even asking. Although then there’s the receiving part. I thought that from practicing asking for help and then allowing the help that I was good at receiving. I have gotten better at it and now I have a powerful perspective I didn’t have before which helped to cause a major shift.

I recently learned that in the way I was receiving, I was going through the processes of rationalizing my need, justifying why I don’t need something, or how I could possibly do it myself. What also helped with shifting my perspective was seeing how I was afraid of seeming needy, high maintenance or unreasonable in my need. One way this has had an impact on my life and my interactions with others, is that I’ve had a hard time saying no to them and if I did, I would justify my reasons.

Other ways your perspective about needs may be affected is pretending not to need, hinting around it, getting validation of what you need and therefore deserve, or feeling guilty about it. Some of you may even go as far as making yourself wrong for needing, or expressing your needs as a demand. Then there are those of you who may even get angry if your needs aren’t met but then why not wonder why your needs aren’t being met in the first place?

When a person who is providing what you need, or giving you a gift in the many forms it comes in such as a Birthday present, a compliment, or an action from intentional effort, how are you practicing receiving? This calls for a distinction between taking and receiving. Although there are many definitions of both take and receive, here are the definitions I am choosing to focus on for the sake of this topic. To receive is to “experience; take into mind; accept from another by hearing or listening; to have something bestowed” whereas to take is to “seize or capture; hold, grasp or grip; to get into one’s hands by possession, control or force.”

To authentically receive, one needs to be truly present in the action of receiving. This involves really acknowledging what’s being given, in the moment it’s being given. You may want to ask what motivated or inspired the person in the giving. Even when you think it’s obvious such as when it’s your Birthday, you can still ask how they ended up picking out your gift. It is then important to communicate about what you are receiving will provide for you.  You could also “say” all of this by just pausing and taking a moment to be with that person and with their gift without using words. The best part of receiving in this way is when the person giving, just wants to give you more.

So if you did receive in this way, who are you then being for those you love and care for? Possibly someone that receives as if it’s a contribution to you and your life, therefore you have more to give to others.  Maybe the act of receiving, in and of itself, is the gift that keeps on giving.