Certified Professional & Executive Life-Coach

All too often people are overly concerned with fitting into the molds of society and with impressing people, even those who they may not even care about. The overwhelming desire to be liked and popular amongst your peers often drives others to act differently and not be themselves. While you cannot change how others act, you personally can take steps to make the world a truly better place. How do you do that? By accepting everyone and everything for how they are, right now, you can help create a more genuine and less superficial world.

Consider this; if everyone were to accept everyone else for who they were, there would be no need to hide secrets from others, or for some to suffer the embarrassment due to one’s perceived unsightly nose or the judged obnoxious laugh. All too often judgmental and prejudice behavior inhibits people from being themselves and causes a need for fakeness and artificiality. Because people judge and do not accept others that things such as cliques and other social stereotypes get developed. People feel a need to associate with only those people who share their same interests only because they feel as though they fit in and feel accepted. And that would make perfect sense as those who are like us, it’s easier to develop rapport with them and makes us feel safe.

Another interesting fact about judgment…did you know that there is a part of our brain in the limbic system that can’t tell the difference between giving and receiving? When you give a compliment to someone or a gift, how does it usually feel to give it? Great, right!? The reason is, there is that part of your brain that perceived it as if you just gave it to yourself. The same goes for judgments. If you think something or verbally say something out loud that is negative or judgmental about someone else, notice the face you make and how it feels for you. Again, that part of your brain just experienced it as if you just said it about yourself.

On a deeper personal level, being accepting of people can show you something that you may not have known about yourself (or maybe just something that you were not comfortable sharing before). By opening yourself up to those who, on the surface, may not seem like “your type”, you could possibly discover other interests that you have and you could possibly develop friendships you wouldn’t otherwise. Having more social circles, besides the one with people who are just like you, increases the quality of your social life far beyond the idea that “one can never have too many friends.”

So the next time you’re feeling like passing judgment on someone who is different from yourself, remember all of the benefits that being accepting can bring to not only you, but the world as well.

So often we are faced with situations where we think to ourselves, “I will just be the bigger person here.” Well don’t do anyone any favors. When I hear people say this, it makes me think that in some way they think they are being “better” than the other person. Or worse, that the other person doesn’t have it in them to do what they themselves are going to do.

Maybe it’s true, but you have to ask yourself who are you trying to impress? Are you honestly trying to improve a situation or simply attempting to show someone up? Is that what being “bigger” is about? Do you want to look like the nicer person? Or the shinier person? Or are you just trying to “appear” more virtuous on the outside while you teem with vindictiveness on the inside? Once you stop to think about it, you’ll probably find that these ulterior motives require a tremendous amount of effort and energy, almost to the point of being exhausting. Who has time for that?

Let’s take a look at an example. Say you just broke up with your boyfriend, who also happens to be your boss. You ended the relationship because you found out he’s been flirting with a few other women around the office. Of course, you still have to work with him and perform your duties, one of which includes outlining a memorandum on ways he can improve and expand his business. So you put your personal issues aside and concentrate on fulfilling your professional obligations. Most people would say they’re being the “bigger” person.

But just as you overcome this hurdle, another arises. Right before you’re about to present this memorandum, he fires you. Most people would say f@#k it and tear the report up right in front of him. After all, he’s being a complete jerk while you tried to handle the situation maturely. But what if you acted not like the bigger person, but like the bigger version of you? What would the bigger version of you do?

Most of the time, we have trouble truly being consistent with who we really are. That’s because we tend to see life as conditional, and bend the rules to suit the particular situation and individual circumstances. How can we keep track of who we really are when we are constantly altering ourselves to suit the person and moment? This is when you need to call upon your “bigger version.”

In this hypothetical situation, the bigger version of you would look for areas where you can learn, grow and excel in any situation— no matter who was at fault. Perhaps you’ve recognized that you have trouble with implementation, follow-through and consistency in many areas of your life. What a FANSTASTIC opportunity to practice all three of those things.

To be consistent with who you are, you must first recognize what your initial intention was in the first place. Regardless of the fact you broke up, you still got inspired to spend a few hours envisioning how this business could expand and grow. That came from within, being truly present and with no resistance – and that is beautiful. So why stop that process by saying, “Forget it, I’m not going to give it to him.” You put your vision, creativity, heart and soul in that memorandum. By denying your ex-boyfriend is to deny yourself.

In the end, you’re only hindering your own personal growth when you try to “outclass” someone. Even if you’re completely justified, staying true to your goals is being the bigger version of yourself. You’re no longer letting external conditions dictate your internal being. After all, just because your ex-boyfriend wants to start a war doesn’t mean you can’t still act in a way that brings you peace. Rather than jumping into the fire, step into that empowered place and say “I am a person who practices not only finishing what I start, and also maintains who I am.” Now that’s thinking big.

Why do we feel guilty? Even when we know something’s not our fault or a situation is completely out of our control, we often continue to let guilty emotions consume us and rule over even our most rational thoughts. Sometimes we feel guilty about something that we don’t yet fully understand. Many times, we even recognize that we are immersing ourselves in self-destructive feelings yet we continue to do it anyway. Does it feel good? Of course not. Is it easy to stop? It can be, but it’s often a long process that takes discipline and awareness to overcome. I recently went through this ordeal myself.

I lost a friend — a dear friend whom I met at a wedding of all places. Yes, he was a man, but he was the kind of gay friend that every woman should have and would benefit by having in her life. I moved to Los Angeles in February 1998 (yes, I’m dating myself now), and in October of that year, I went to a friend’s wedding solo since I was single at the time. That night, I was whisked to the dance floor by a fun-loving group of men whom I later refer to as “the girls.” After the wedding, they invited me to have a drink with them and so I went. I ended up talking with the one other introvert in the group, besides myself, and that moment started a beautiful friendship.

Arlo Robinson is his name. What can I say about Arlo? He was more than a friend. He was my handyman, my confidant, a fantastic listener, my decorator, and my support system. Over several years, we went through many ups and downs together. He’d give me decorating tips. I would give him a ride home from the airport. He’d provide great sex advice on different ways to please a man. I would help him with getting his finances in order. When he’d need a pick-me-up, we’d cook a nice meal together and share a bottle of wine as we’d talk and laugh our troubles away. No matter what we did together, we supported one another every step of the way in this crazy thing called “life.”

It had been a while since Arlo and I had spoken. Not for any particular reason — we just got busy in our lives. Then just a few weeks ago, I was catching up with some friends, talking about the changes in each others’ lives. My cellphone rang and it was a name and number I didn’t instantly recognize. I let the call go to voicemail before realizing it was from a woman I’d met through Arlo. When I finally listened to her message, my jaw dropped and I heard myself gasp. I looked up at my friends and said, “I think I’m about to find out that my friend Arlo just died.”

I called her back only to learn that my worst suspicion had come true. I appreciated her calm voice and straightforward manner in sharing with me what had been occurring over the past few weeks — and in particular, the last 24 hours. Arlo passed from lymphoma in the spine. It was an extremely painful and devastating condition and he died quickly after being diagnosed. The news struck me hard and everything became a blur. I remember falling to the ground and hearing myself say “no!” As I uncontrollably started to cry, I just listened. I listened to her relay to me all the difficulties, struggles and suffering he had been going through the past year. What was even more painful than learning of his passing was the thought that he’d gone through all of this without my knowledge. I kept thinking, “I should have been there for him.”

I cried as she talked, telling me more details of his life and ordeal. The waves of guilt began to crash over my mind and body. I thought back to the last time we had spoke, how insignificant the conversation was, and how I never told him how much I cared about him. More guilt piled on. I also wondered why was I the only one that didn’t get a chance to say goodbye when everyone else did?

As she was talking to me on the phone, my friends sat with me on the couch. I was so incredibly fortunate to have such dear company by my side. At one point, one of them pointed to their balcony where two birds flew in, patiently perched themselves on a branch, and then flew off a few minutes later. During this nightmarish time, I was able to embrace this simple moment of calm and peace.

But the ensuing days resulted in a rollercoaster of guilty emotions and remorseful feelings. Even though I’ve been hyperaware of how much I am beating myself up, the self-punishment still persists and my inner questions continue to pile up. Why didn’t I just be more aggressive about seeing him over the past year? Why did I not call him more often? Why did I allow this frustration to continually build-up, thus preventing me from calling him even longer? And perhaps most painfully, why couldn’t I get past my own feelings and be more sensitive to what he was going through?

I recognize that part of the struggle is not having the kind of closure that I would want. If I could go back and reverse time, of course, I would do things differently. But I’ve come to realize that torturing myself about those things that I cannot change is counterproductive to bringing any sense of peace about my wonderful friend. The first few days I was crying a lot — all I had to do was think about it. I’d go for a few days without breaking down, but then suddenly my mind would shift and I’d become present to how much I loved him and my eyes would well up.

So why do we feel so guilty about things that are beyond our control? Even if I could have been with him everyday over the past year it would not have changed the fact that he became seriously ill. After expressing my feelings of guilt to a friend, he told me, “Don’t do that to yourself—Arlo can hear you and would slap you silly if he knew you were doing this.” It was just the thing I needed to be told. I’m sure he would give me an earful and I can even hear his wonderful laugh now as I type these words.

I asked another friend, a fellow coach who specializes in grief, about how things unfolded and what I was supposed to learn from it. He suggested that maybe the fact that I didn’t say goodbye is what was best for Arlo. For a moment I took my own feelings out of the equation and pondered his question. What if it was best for him? Well, then I am happy it happened the way it did. Who knows, maybe it would have been too hard if I went to see him before he died, and in turn, would have made his passage more difficult for him, too.

Despite this comforting thought, my emotions have still been difficult to manage.  During a second conversation with the woman who broke the news to me, she mentioned then that she was wondering why he was fighting to hold on after he already spoken to everyone. She shared with me that maybe he was waiting to say goodbye to me. The news was hard to hear. But yet in a strange way, I was happy to hear it.

So where do I go from here? Certainly there are things about my relationship with Arlo that I wish I could change. But beating myself up about the fact that life has its own rhythms and logic is no way to honor his memory. Perhaps the best thing to do is to continue our friendship and cherish his spirit. In thinking back to the advice that “he can hear you”, then what would I tell him? I would tell him he was loved. I would tell him he was appreciated. I would tell him how much I miss him. I would tell him that everything is going to be OK. It doesn’t mean I won’t cry from time to time, I will. Yes, I still may feel twinges of guilt about why I wasn’t able to be there for him, but I know that harboring those feelings will not change the past or my memories of him. In looking forward, I now have another guide on the other side looking out for me.  And whenever my time comes, I look forward to cooking dinner and enjoying a glass of wine with him and catching up on lost time. Maybe I will be whisked away once again for another fun-loving dance.

Cheers to you, Arlo.

Do you see yourself as one of those people who only can see the good in things? There’s something to be said about Debbie Downers but then there’s this whole other breed of people. The Positive Pollyanna’s who only have good things to say about everything and can pick out the minutest positive aspect of something that most others can’t. What I’m referring to though is an extremity from the other end of the spectrum.

It’s not about just seeing the good or just seeing the bad of any situation, which tends to be very black and white thinking. It’s about all the shades of grey in between and not just the grey of possibilities. It’s the grey of what else you might open your eyes to seeing that you haven’t before, that IS actually there. Especially when faced with making a decision about ending a relationship or marriage.

Everything we experience is based on our perception of things, AND we do feel emotions with each of those experiences, but we forget how much of a guidance system emotions are for us. Focusing on just the good is literally saying I only choose to see the good things this person does because they feel good rather than all the bad things they do, because those bad things don’t feel good and I don’t like to be reminded of what doesn’t feel good.

This may be a bit of a dramatic example but one that gets the point across. Such as a woman who experiences verbal abuse or has been hit by her husband, and only focuses on the flowers he buys to express his remorse even though he never says “I’m sorry” out loud to her and he continually does it again and again. Plain and simple, she’s ignoring the feelings she is having each time he hits her with his words or his fist.

I can imagine how hard it is being in a situation like this. To remain committed to a man, giving of yourself, and possibly even providing for this man all in the name of love. Or is it?  Then on top of it, there might be kids to worry about, possibly your own kids, his, or a combined family of kids. I can see how it could get messy and complicated. I also hear a lot of women say they are afraid of ending a relationship because they are really afraid of being alone which dominoes with the fear that they may never meet someone again. All fears can be considered valid but the question is with what validity?

It can get you in trouble only seeing the good that someone does, when most of the time they are doing things that are hurtful, painful, and disappointing, and you know this because you feel it but you choose to ignore it. Then what starts to happen is that you begin to doubt your feelings and start to think that you’re a horrible person for thinking such terrible things about the man in your life.  Maybe you have tried to express your feelings to him and he told you, “no that’s not how you feel, I’ll tell you how you really feel”, and boy does he. That’s where the questioning takes a dangerous turn and then you’re left in a space of confusion. In that space you end up directionless, just spinning round and round.

If you can imagine yourself at one end of a room and your instinct is to get to the other side. It would seem that the easiest route would be to just walk straight ahead, but then someone ties a blindfold on you so you can’t see. So you think okay, I’ll just feel my way with my arms out in front of me and continue walking straight ahead. So you start to walk and now someone just bumped into you and threw you off direction. You start to get confused with where you are and now you get bumped again, and before you know it, you’re spinning around, scared, and confused, and you have no idea where the other side of the room is. You then hear a voice of a person who tells you which direction to go in, and you want to trust the person but they are also the one who bumped you off track.

What would happen if you kept your determination that no matter how many times you got bumped, you would just keep walking, KNOWING that eventually you would get to the other side. Maybe you could trust someone’s direction, maybe you can’t, but you can choose whether or not you take the suggestion into consideration, also knowing that it was your choice to do so. If it doesn’t get you there right away, was it a mistake? It doesn’t have to be.

So let’s say you’re about halfway across the room and you realize, “Wait! Why not just take the blindfold off?” Your hands were never tied so you could very easily just reach up and pull off the blindfold allowing yourself to see. So what if it was that easy?

I’m not necessarily suggesting that you have been blind to what’s in front of you. Most people aren’t and most people aren’t literally blindfolded in their relationships. There is a difference between being blind about it, and either ignoring or making excuses for it. What I am suggesting is to pay attention to the feelings you are having when your partner says something to you or does something that doesn’t feel good.

Another question I have is, have you told them it hurts? Unfortunately because we are mostly functioning on autopilot 95-99% of the time, most people don’t realize when they have said something hurtful to another. Sometimes people will do it, in their eyes, to tease or get your goat or they just do it because it’s a habitual way of being. Yet if it doesn’t feel good, even if the intention is to be funny, why not just tell them, “what was just said hurts.”

I remember one woman I was talking to about this said she didn’t want to come off as though she was scolding her boyfriend. Let’s analyze this just for a moment.  The people who would scold would be a mother and maybe a teacher.  You aren’t his teacher or his mother. You are his girlfriend or his wife and most healthy men want to make a woman feel good, so he may want to know when he says or does something that hurts your feelings.

One of the things that most men like about women is our ability to be in touch with our emotions. They want to feel safe with us and one way they do, is if we can feel safe with our own emotions. If he doesn’t and doesn’t care, then you have a different problem on your hands and I would imagine this isn’t the only issue in your relationship.

Yes it can be a gift to be the kind of person who only sees the good in things, compared to a Debbie Downer; it’s a more preferred way to be. Yet maybe, just maybe, you are ignoring what else is there, something very important. That something important is you. YOU matter. Your feelings matter. Your emotions matter. What you want matters.

If you don’t feel like you matter or how you feel matters, then how can you expect someone else to? By paying attention to all the grey in a relationship what might you see that could be a gift? What you now see could be a gift that could bring you and your partner closer together. Or maybe the gift is the relationship that gave you a profound life long learning. That’s when the curse loses its power.