Certified Professional & Executive Life-Coach

I was interviewed by Mike Rafati with Incredible Coach for his Successful Entrepreneur Series on May 2, 2012. It was a very fun, hour long interview where we talked about my back ground and path to becoming a coach. We also had a rich conversation about networking, sales conversations, and those other pertinent topics relevant to entrepreneurs starting their own businesses.

Here is a little bit of information about Incredible Coach: Incredible Coach was created to serve and support Service Professionals and Solo Entrepreneurs (Coaches, consultants, trainers, authors, healers, accountants, and more). Their mission is to help service professional market their business and become successful, by providing the best marketing and professional development information, resource and tools available, from the most qualified experts.

He states on his website that “We enable you to learn the most effective marketing strategies and tactics from the most qualified experts who understand your challenges.”

To listen to the interview or download an mp3 file go to: My Interview with Mike Rafati

Enjoy!

I am so grateful for the amount of insight I get from the work that I do; truly my clients are my teachers. One example of this is what came up in a session recently about the need to be right. Have you ever noticed how people will dig their heels in to be right about something? Not to say of course that you have ever done that either. I’ll admit it; I’ve done it too.

What does this have to do with feeling like an imposter or worrying if we are going to be a one hit wonder? Let’s take an example from one of my clients. She’s an entrepreneur who provides a service to her clients. Not unlike a lot of entrepreneurs. So imagine, she was dealing with a client who wasn’t happy with her service when she knew she did a great job and provided them with what they asked for.

In general, people typically would rather be right than to see things from a different perspective and allow themselves a true sense of freedom. So like my client, in the past she would have dug her heels in “knowing” she was right and potentially could have destroyed that relationship. Because of coaching she discovered that she was starting to handle situations like this one in a new way. With a sense of calm and ease, with a new need – the need to be her best, rather then the need to be right.

If we look back in time with my client a little bit farther, where was her need to be right coming from? It came from her lack of confidence in what she was doing and an underlying fear that she didn’t belong. More specifically she felt like an imposter because she was starting to work with a higher caliber of client and because it was new to her, she felt like she didn’t belong.

What she started to realize and the impact that coaching provided her was that she had belonged all along, but she was the one who couldn’t see it. There is a saying out there about “faking it until you make it” but the problem is that if you don’t feel it, you can’t fake it until you make it. You can only hold up that façade for so long before something will happen, or the part of you who feels you really are will be revealed. The imposter was really the inauthentic part of her that wasn’t up for the challenge, but when she said yes to a challenge, it was because there was that part of her that wanted it.

The real challenge then was that underlying fear of losing that façade that someone will find out or discover that she really doesn’t know anything. It’s fear that creates a lot of static between the message that your higher self is trying to give you and the message you are actually hearing. It’s like tuning a radio, when you get rid of the static, once you tune in and remove the fear, the message is really clear.

Now that she had faced her internal imposter, what she faced next was that she did not want to be a “one-hit wonder.” You see, any one of us can do it once. Now the pressure was on to do it again. In her own words, the miraculous change for her was the practice. To be true to who she is and practice knowing this is where she belongs. Part of this was acknowledging and being honest about her fear – being honest as opposed to being right.

When you notice that you are digging in your heels and there is that need to be right, that is really a white flag that there is an opportunity for growth. How might the repeating of the “I’m right” story impact the flow of money flow to you or other opportunities? What you’re actually resisting is “ease.” You are also potentially resisting who you really are.

For my client, working on what it means to be successful now seems fun and exciting. For her it’s been interesting walking forward without the fear. Fear is energy as is excitement. So if you look at fear vs. excitement, and the energy is the same, what differentiates it is the label we give it. Fear in some circumstances is valid since it keeps us out of harms way, but sometimes we misuse it.

So if we looked at “fake it until you make it” as an incomplete statement, then how might we change it so it had a more productive impact? The making it is not about doing, it’s about being. You can’t just rule yourself into being. It takes work. But it doesn’t have to be hard. Just give up being right and the imposter façade fades away.

Those who are modest can sometimes be praised in our culture, but is it possible that some of those same people are just insecure about what it is they have to offer because of low self worth?  There is something to be said about being humble. Although when we don’t have the capacity to share our talents and gifts with others, it can hinder us when it comes to productivity and success in our businesses or careers.

Many people don’t like having to constantly praise themselves, including myself.  Talking about what a good coach I am all the time makes me tired of hearing myself talk. Even just saying that makes me feel like I am bragging, which in effect, can sometimes come across as highly arrogant – but immediately reverting to patterns of self-depreciation isn’t the answer either. Bragging is different than being genuine in what it is that we have to offer.

Unfortunately, all too often, people feel the need to choose between these two extremes, which can both be highly detrimental to a business’ bottom line (each in their own ways). Humility is fine, but there is a point where it crosses over into doormat territory and it becomes hard to respect you as a leader. As a business owner, you need to have a fine balance between self-praise and modesty, but oftentimes that can be quite difficult.

How can you overcome this?  For one, you can start by surrounding yourself with the right people. If someone is highly self-absorbed and puts you on edge emotionally, this can be both an energy drainer and a productivity killer. Even if you can’t exactly pinpoint what about the individual bothers you, that’s okay, you’re bothered by something so don’t allow yourself to be surrounded with the kind of people who don’t have the capacity or don’t know how to help you feel elevated.

Also, when it comes to your own personal brand, don’t be afraid to flaunt your talents and strengths. Whether you’re a business leader or a one man (or woman) show, being afraid to let everyone know what’s so great about you doesn’t serve you.  The trap – it might be perceived as a lack of confidence. What then happens is that people begin to question your leadership capabilities or why they’d want to do business with you over the guy down the street who has the same skills but is much more open about his talents without crossing into arrogance territory.

What I’ve learned about people is that we love to talk about ourselves. Sometimes people may come across as gloating or bragging, but deep down, we’d all love to talk about our talents and passions in an open, carefree way. This doesn’t mean you need to constantly be talking about them, but learning to identify the appropriate times to insert self-praise into a conversation can be hugely beneficial. Such as when discussing terms with a potential client who can’t choose between you and your competitors; you need to convince them why you are the best choice, even if it means tooting your own horn for a moment or two.

If you want to progress forward, both as a person and in your business, you need to find the right balance for you in the applications of modesty and the ability to sell yourself. Remember this always comes from how you see yourself and what you believe to be true about you. Being honest and genuine is a great way to counteract the fear of displaying arrogance, so go ahead show off your strengths, but be completely upfront when it comes to what you know you can’t provide as well. It is then that you will you earn others’ respect while ensuring your victory over the competition.