Certified Professional & Executive Life-Coach

A few weeks ago I attended my Vistage monthly meeting. Being a part of this group is such an honor due to the level of sharing, honesty, and vulnerability that is present in our conversations. Needless to say they get interesting depending on the issues that the participants bring up that are challenging them, or the topics that get introduced – both spontaneously and intentionally.

There was a question posed to all of us about trust. Before we discussed it openly, we each had to write down our answers so we would be authentic in where we are coming from, before the group delved deeper into the relevancy of the question. The question was: “Is trust granted or earned in your world?”

After we had a few moments to think about it, we each wrote one word down and then put down our pens. Before I go any further, as you read the next few paragraphs, really notice whether or not you are starting to agree or disagree with me. Either way, it’s relevant, because what ever is coming up for you may provide an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. I certainly did from this conversation, enough that I wanted to share this with you.

Okay so here it is….my initial instinct answered “granted”, but the funny thing is then I questioned why that was – in my world of course.  So in following my own thought process, I started to recognize a few things. The first being that I think I want to genuinely trust people first since I do believe that everyone is living life with “best intentions.”  Then I thought, “but wait a second, what happens then when someone does something that takes away that trust? Does that mean I am setting myself up for being hurt more often than not?”

Although then that assumes that most people will want to hurt me and I don’t believe that is true either. In fact, I think that most people when they hurt others are doing it unintentionally and sometimes don’t even realize that they are hurting someone else.  When they do realize it they are most often too embarrassed to address it or apologize so it’s easier to just not say anything at all. I’m not justifying this type of behavior but it actually puts me at ease knowing this so I can find my way to having compassion for that person. After all, any anger or resentment I would harbor towards this person is actually hurting me more than it would hurt them.

So back to the conversation at Vistage – Our Chair, Dwight Frindt, went on to say the following powerful statement: “If trust is granted, it can also be ungranted. If it’s earned, they may not stand a chance because you have rules and the other person doesn’t know them. We may feel in control either way, but in either paradigm, people will break trust. There are issues with both. If you are aware of the paradigm you are in and the consequences of living in that paradigm, you now have a choice in life. But if you didn’t know you were living in a paradigm, you don’t have a choice.”

I love that he brought it all back to choice. How I interpreted it is that you are now at choice being that you are aware of the paradigm and the rules that you are living from. He also went to explain that when you base a relationship where someone has to earn your trust, that it can create disconnectedness. The experience of disconnectedness gets created because if the trust has to be earned, then if someone else sees that I don’t trust them from the beginning, then their experience is that I already don’t trust them.

That brought up something else for me….in doing this kind of work as a coach, what I’ve realized is that we attract who we are “being.”  So who would I rather attract? If I know I am someone who is trustworthy, then I will attract someone is trustworthy as well. If I attract someone who isn’t or I assume that they aren’t, then what does that say about me?

So if you have a tendency to attract others who don’t seem to be trustworthy, what assumptions are you possibly making about them that might not be true? Here is another bold question: Do you trust yourself? Or another way of saying this is, do you grant yourself the trust in YOU?

This topic also made me wonder about one more thing…if I am willing to grant someone trust and then they do something where I want to “ungrant” it, then if they apologize, am I more apt to forgive them? Regardless, trust is a very important aspect of any relationship – work, friendship, family, and romantic. Once it’s gone, there isn’t much of a foundation for the relationship to survive. But if it’s there to begin with and because life can be messy, the foundation can remain and with that foundation, there just might be more possibility.  You decide.

A lot of our actions and mostly reactions to the things life throws our way is heavily dependent on our attitude. This encompasses both our past, present being, and futuristic perspectives. We can choose to be stubborn and not make a decision at all- leaving us stagnant and frustrated- or we can choose to move forward from our past and surge forward into a more positive and productive future. When it comes to your choices, it can be boiled down to two possible approaches: allow the past to control and overwhelm your existence, or learn from previous perceived mistakes and mishaps, and burst forward into a new period of personal growth!

But setting the past aside for a moment, we must also learn to appreciate the here and now. If we’re too busy concentrating on the past or looking to the future, we forget who we are and what we want in the present. When you obsess about events from the past, it’s like driving with your eyes focused entirely on the rear view mirror. If you have a tendency to think about things where you’re only focused on the future such as “I’ll be happy when…”, or “I’ll feel successful when…”, it’s like driving with your head outside of the front windshield and ignoring crucial aspects within the car, such as your speedometer, important warning lights on your dash display, that your gas might be low, or possibly unintentionally ignoring your front seat passenger. Much like driving, life is a crucial balance of learning from the past, enjoying and being at peace with the present, and planning for the future.

To help influence your attitude, first look at the people with whom you associate with. Are they positive, “living in the moment” types too, or are they engrossed in the past? How do they make you feel as a person? Are they supportive of what you would like to do or are they always saying things where you end up second guessing yourself? Maybe they are always trying to remind you of who you used to be rather than really seeing you for who you are today? There is also the possibility that they are so in the moment, that they never seem to look forward into their future and never seem to process on a deep level the significant life experiences they have had in the past.

It all comes down to personal value and self-worth, and that can have a strong impact on your over attitudes. If you feel you have low value in life, it could be because of the people you’re hanging around, which, in turn, influences your attitude towards yourself and life in general. The reverse is true as well, misery loves company so if you don’t really love yourself, I mean really love yourself, then you most likely are spending a lot of time who don’t necessarily loves themselves either. So it might be time, you know what time I’m talking about, it’s time for an attitude change to be in order. In order to accomplish that, it requires two things: a clearer, more solid focus on the present (while not completely ignoring the past or the future), and improving your social circles so that you’re surrounded with the right people who help you to become a better, happier person – a bigger version of you.

You’ll have a much easier time changing your social circle and attracting people who are more on the same page as you by seeing all of those things that have happened before as a contribution to who you are today, and letting go of your attachment to the when, the how, and the who of those things you are wanting for yourself in the future. Without these factors, your attitude and perspective towards life will suffer until you’re willing to go through these steps required to achieving the change you desire. It’s not difficult, but it does require some patience and inner strength. And can you imagine the kind of attitude you would have then by being in that place? Go ahead, be bold and courageous in a way you haven’t before, then maybe your attitude will be contagious. In a great way.

A few Saturdays ago, I took an exercise class by the one and only Richard Simmons. (Yes, that Richard Simmons.) What an amazing experience. Not only did he have everyone smiling and laughing throughout the entire hour-and-fifteen-minute class, he stopped to have a brief conversation with everyone about their self-worth. More specifically, about how his classes are not just exercise classes but a place to learn about your self worth and value. That gesture alone inspired me to write to share the experience for my first newsletter.

What amazes me about doing this work is how often a prospect or new client indicates that they are lacking in “self love” or self worth. Sometimes, I even go as far as asking the question, “On a scale of 0-10, how much do you love yourself?” Most people have a look of embarrassment or shock once they confront their own opinion of themselves.  I will also ask them what they do like about themselves and it amazes me how often they squirm in the idea of thinking about it, let alone saying anything out loud.

As painful as that moment can be, it can also be freeing. When a person really gets where they’re at emotionally about anything, and they can be honest about it — out loud — then they are, in a sense, releasing it rather than holding it in. You may think that by holding it in, you’re hiding that from everyone you interact with. The truth is you’re not.

Whether you believe it or not, we can read each others energy and sense that something is wrong or off, but most often we are also afraid to ask. What begins then is a cycle of inauthenticity and dishonesty. I’m not saying that you have to blurt out to everyone that you’re miserable or that you should be a constant Debbie Downer, but through coaching or other healing modalities, at least you can be honest, get it off of your chest and, most importantly, do something about it.

Please know that your low self worth didn’t just happen yesterday. Without realizing it, you were probably given some messages growing up about not being “good enough”. Or perhaps you went through an experience where you were embarrassed, and ever since then, you have probably been in an unconscious — or conscious –”self protection mode” that seems as though it’s been keeping you safe.

It may have been up to this point. But if you are reading this now, I imagine that you are tired of living life the way you have been. By staying safe, and playing small, are you where you want to be? Are you achieving what you want to achieve and checking off those items on your life long “to do” list? If you answered no to any of the above, then you’ve come to the right place.

IT IS YOUR CHOICE! Your next thought might be “yeah, but how do I move through being stuck and move past where I am now?” My question back to you, “what if there wasn’t a how?” We get so caught up with the “how” in how we are going to do anything that we don’t even take the first step. I would imagine that you probably don’t remember taking your first step when you learned how to walk. Babies don’t worry about how they are going to learn how to walk; they just follow their instinct and keep trying it. They may fall and cry a few times but eventually they not only learn how to stand up, before a parent knows it, they are chasing their kid across the living room floor.

Nobody likes change. This unfortunate, yet very true fact of life can often cause personal mayhem and conflict. As creatures of habit, humans naturally resent change, for we are designed to favor routine. But using drastic changes in your own life to reinvent yourself doesn’t necessary have to be a huge endeavor. All it takes is a calm mind, and a few simple steps.  After all what if you thought of it as..well…just change. What if an attitude you had to approach it was “so what?”

The first thing you have to do is understand the magnitude and consequences of the change that has occurred. The worst possible thing that you could do is overreact and lose perspective of what is going on. After analyzing the change, think about all of the new opportunities that have arisen from the change.  In fact, where you are jumping to, just may be better than where you are now.

The next thing that you have to do is stay motivated. While it is very easy to resent change and hide from it, going back into routine is just another way of halting progress. Change gives us new opportunities and to not take advantage of them is foolish. Keep telling yourself all of the wonderful things that are going to happen because of this change. Make a list of all the personal benefits that could come from this change, whatever it may be, and go out and achieve them. If you stay positive and determined, it really is that simple.

The last, and sometimes most difficult, step is to stay courageous. Change is intimidating and sometimes it’s downright scary. But if you stay mentally and psychologically strong, you can literally achieve anything that you want to. All you have to do is focus, and go for it.

Indeed, change is a hard part of life. But that’s just it: it’s a part of life. So instead of cowering when change comes your way, simply use these simple steps to help turn change into a positive personal reinvention.